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Friday, February 27, 2009

Purple Haze

There are no public displays of purple
In my parent’s home.
Too loud for the d├ęcor taste
Of midwestern consevatives who drive
Astrovans and Rivieras.
Purple IS the bad boy pin-up and
Stretch jean rebellion of
Their teenaged daughter
Who rains funk rock royalty in
Boas and butt-less pants and
Refracts light through flyaway locks
Of glam slam bottom thumpers.
Purple is wah-wah innovation and
Screaming boots with colorless tops
Stretched over unimagined nipples
On a cold Hollywood night.
It offends the meek and the chic alike.
It is a bad hangover,
Or the hidden shade of republican lingerie.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

15 Things Every Woman Wishes Her Man Knew

1.) A little dirty talk in the bedroom is awesome … but at some point you need to shut the fuck up or you are going to talk us right out of an orgasm.

2.) If I tell you to spank me … I expect you to spank me hard enough that it stings a little and I expect the sound to be full, not tinny. (Sorry, I'm a musician).

3.) I'd rather make out for an hour than have you go down on me for an hour. I mean, seriously, if you've been down there an hour to no avail … you've failed.

4.) Good conversation is a greater turn-on than any gift you could dream of buying.

5.) Compliments that we can discern by looking in the mirror are not as effective as those we cannot.

6.) Don't ever begin a sexual encounter with the line "Are you ready for some big dick in you?" You will be joked about for years and years and years to come. Trust me.

7.) If you want us to come to your house, ask us explicitly. Don't hint around in an effort to make us ask. We might totally be up for coming over and getting naked … but we won't invite ourselves … and if we're not yet ready to come over, we'll be flattered that you asked … and probably go home and masturbate while fantasizing about the next time you ask us over.

8.) We know you want to have rock star sex … whatever your version of that is. We are happy to fuck you in front of mirrors and in hotels and in bar bathrooms and to be flipped into eight different porn positions every once in awhile … but just know that getting flipped into too many different positions absolutely diminishes our ability to reach orgasm. For that, you must find the angle and work it consistently until mission accomplished. When you flip positions you always lose the angle. ALWAYS! And too many ups and downs in the female orgasm cycle without actually reaching orgasm will prevent orgasm altogether. As such, your version of rock star sex … is not our version or rock star sex. Just know this.

9.) Girls who "LOOOOOOVE" to give blowjobs and rarely want to have sex do not have orgasms often or, possibly, ever.

10.) If you prevent us from touching our clits during sex we will dump you.

11.) Pull our hair. Why else do you think we grow it?

12.) A mechanically perfect lay that lacks sensuality is not better than a mechanically imperfect lay that is very sensual. However, a mechanically perfect lay is always better than a quick shooter … no matter how sensual the quick shooter is.

13.) On the same note as 12, there is no excuse for habitual quick shooting. We are not THAT hot. You are not THAT turned on by us. Habitual quick shooting means you are an inconsiderate, insensitive jackass. While your response to this may be "Who cares, I'm only there for me," we all know that secretly you are hyper-sensitive to the suggestion that you are a bad lay … which you are. In fact you're the worst kind of bad lay. Fix it, whatever it takes, or expect to be repeatedly and viciously dumped.

14.) Just because your ex-girlfriend found it unbelievably hot when you wore a Pluto mask does not mean we will find it hot. However, we might be totally into Darth Vader capes and light sabers. Learn to improvise.

15.) Make us laugh or you won't be around long.